The Martian by Andy Weir
Rating: ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
Six days ago, astronaut Mark Watney became one of the first people to walk on Mars. Now, he’s sure he’ll be the first person to die there.
After a dust storm nearly kills him and forces his crew to evacuate the planet while thinking him dead, Mark finds himself stranded on Mars’ surface, completely alone, with no way to signal Earth that he’s alive — and even if he could get word out, his supplies would be gone years before a rescue could arrive.
Chances are, though, he won’t have time to starve to death. The damaged machinery, unforgiving environment or plain-old “human error” are much more likely to kill him first. But Mark’s not ready to quit. Armed with nothing but his ingenuity and his engineering skills — and a gallows sense of humor that proves to be his greatest source of strength – he embarks on a dogged quest to stay alive, using his botany expertise to grow food and even hatching a mad plan to contact NASA back on Earth.
As he overcomes one seemingly insurmountable obstacle after the next, Mark begins to let himself believe he might make it off the planet alive – but Mars has plenty of surprises in store for him yet.
Grounded in real, present-day science from the first page to the last, yet propelled by a brilliantly ingenious plot that surprises the reader again and again, The Martian is a truly remarkable thriller: an impossible-to-put-down suspense novel that manages to read like a real-life survival tale.
If The Martian was marketed as a prescription drug…
Every year, thousands of critical readers around the globe roll their eyes in frustration at the science fails they find within their favorite fiction genres.
Extreme cases of literary frankenscience carry the risk of full-blown ocular gymnastics on the part of the reader. As a result, serious injury has been reported, to include corneal abrasions, iritis, and sprains of the lateral and medial rectus muscles.
Luckily, there is a cure.
The Martian, consumed in single doses, has been clinically proven to reduce the instances of ocular wounds in critical readers, especially those familiar with orbital dynamics, physics, chemistry, biology, and common fucking sense.
The most common side effect from reading The Martian is emotional instability brought on by rapid changes in the reader’s mood as they follow the daily mission logs of the main character, Mark Watney, and his struggle to survive on a planet that humans clearly have no business being on.
Other common side effects include drowsiness due to lack of sleep from being up until four o’clock in the fucking morning because you couldn’t put the book down because things keep happening and JESUS CHRIST, HOW HASN’T HE DIED YET, as well as pain. This pain was typically caused by unintentional headdesking while at work the day after because you didn’t get any sleep the night before and were therefore rendered borderline-narcoleptic.
In extreme cases, more severe side effects have been reported. The Martian is not recommended for those suffering from high blood pressure, as the reading of this book may aggravate this condition and lead to a sometimes fatal response known as A FUCKING HEART ATTACK.
Those with diagnosed addictive personalities should not readThe Martian, as it has proven in clinical trials to be highly addicting. The Martian also carries a risk of withdrawal symptoms, the most common of which is a general malaise and apathy for the real world and everything in it.
The Martian may worsen some medical conditions, especially during the withdrawal stages as you move on to other, less well-researched literary works, to include:
- Irritability that you can’t find a decent sci-fi book to save your life
- Irritability that some authors seem too lazy to even use Google
- Irritability that some authors think they can make up their own laws of motion
- Irritability that no one seems to realize how differently EVERYTHING works in zero-gravity
- Basically irritability in general when reading other “science-heavy” books
You should not read The Martian if you have a known allergy to science. Those who are pregnant or plan to become pregnant should not read The Martian if they in any way fear that the amount of calculations within it might somehow turn their unborn fetus into a socially awkward math freak.
The Martian, like seemingly all prescription drugs, should not be read if you are currently taking an MAOI, as this can cause vaguely-worded, but serious, life threatening…things.
The Martian has been approved for the use of critical readers by the FDA, the PFC, the WHO, the CDC, and the CQQ (okay, I’m just making shit up at this point).