Review: Poison

Poison by Bridget Zinn
Rating: ★★☆☆☆

Sixteen-year-old Kyra, a highly-skilled potions master, is the only one who knows her kingdom is on the verge of destruction—which means she’s the only one who can save it. Faced with no other choice, Kyra decides to do what she does best: poison the kingdom’s future ruler, who also happens to be her former best friend.

But, for the first time ever, her poisoned dart . . . misses.

Now a fugitive instead of a hero, Kyra is caught in a game of hide-and-seek with the king’s army and her potioner ex-boyfriend, Hal. At least she’s not alone. She’s armed with her vital potions, a too-cute pig, and Fred, the charming adventurer she can’t stop thinking about. Kyra is determined to get herself a second chance (at murder), but will she be able to find and defeat the princess before Hal and the army find her?

Kyra is not your typical murderer, and she’s certainly no damsel-in-distress—she’s the lovable and quick-witted hero of this romantic novel that has all the right ingredients to make teen girls swoon.

The princess had to die. It was either her or the rest of the kingdom.

That’s great, but why? This book had two major problems: it was a rambling mess, and it had huge, gaping plot holes. Half the times I wasn’t sure what’s going on, and the other half of the time, and for the majority of the book, I was asking myself: Why the fuck did Kyra have to kill the princess?

First off, I know the author died of cancer. It is a horrible, horrible way to die. I am sorry for her loss, I am sure she was a wonderful person, I’m sure she was beloved by her friends and family. This review is a review of the book, and not a criticism of the deceased. I did not like the book without any disrespect to her memory.

I did not like the book. I expected a fun-filled romp of a fantasy, and what I got was more of a romp through a forest of weeds, without an end in sight. The plot and the action was not well-written. It was confusing, the constant flashbacks only served to confuse the present and the past.

I didn’t find the book funny. It was forced, and it was silly. Kyra had a pig, Rosie. Rosie is a stupid pig. I have no fondness the unnecessary inclusion of small children or animals for the sake of cuteness when the situation does not call for it. An accused murderer on the run? There’s a situation during which no small cute pig is necessary.

The pig.
It was the most ridiculous thing in the entire world: Kyra, would-be assassin and master potioner, had resorted to hunting down her prey—her best friend the princess—with a piglet.
But she had no choice. The princess had to die.

I know the book is supposed to be funny and cute. It wasn’t such to me; it was forced. Even the cutesy scenes didn’t ring true. The main love interest talking down his fierce pet wolf to get wolfie and piggie to be fwiends? No, thank you.

“See, Rosie? Langley’s a nice dog. He just wants to be friends. I know he’s big and looks scary, but he’s just a puppy at heart. And, Langley, you’re going to have to be gentle with Rosie, okay?”

Now, the reason why the princess had to die was just stupid.I had endure 3/4th of the book with Kyra goingWAAAAAAAAH I HAVE TO KILL THE PRINCESS. I HAVE TO KILL MY BEST BEST FRIEND while wondering “Why the fuck you gotta kill your best friend, gurl?” It was frustrating, to say the least. And when the time came for the explanation of WHY SHE GOTTA KILL THE PRINCESS, the explanation made zero sense to me.

And then, a few weeks later, Kyra was brought to her knees by the second vision she’d ever had in her life.

A vision. A bloody vision. How many visions has she ever had in her life? Two. This being the second of them. And OF COURSE THIS VISION CAN BE TRUSTED, RIGHT? What the eff, man?! There’s no convincing evidence whatsoever that the princess has to die.